Handling Conflicts Effectively

Pastor Chen Luan Qing

27/09/2009 10:45 AM

Christians move too slowly. There are many needs outside the church. However, the church tends to be inward looking. The church seems to be battling a lot of its own problems. If Christians do not rise up, how can they help those in need in the marketplace?




A man refused to give up a drying well with polluted water. He dug the well. He spent his life time managing the well. He took pride in his work. But we cannot hold on to what we have. We need to receive the living water from God. We must face the reality that we need a new life. We need to return to God. We need to be humble. We cannot dwell in past glory. We need to see clearly what we need to do in the present. Do not block the source of living water.

Gal 6:1 Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.

Even thought Paul mentioned brothers he included everyone regardless of gender. An adulteress was caught and brought before Jesus. The adulterer was not caught. Jesus said anyone who had not sinned could cast the first stone. Everyone left one by one.

One problem we have is to idolize ourselves. We demand perfection. Some Christians are pressured into putting on masks in the church. Sometimes we are delusional. But everyone has weaknesses. Paul said we who are spiritual should restore them with a spirit of gentleness but we are to be careful because we may tempted too.

Gal 6:2 Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Paul recognizes the burden of everyone but we are to help one another and to fulfill the law of Christ (to love God and to love man.)

Gal 6:3 For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.

Don't make the mistake of thinking we cannot do wrong.

Gal 6:4 But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor.

We need to examine our work. Only when we are so brave as Daniel to boast of his obedience to God can we do so.

What causes conflicts between a married couple?

The Obvious Fault of One Party

One party offending the other

• Bad habits (something we do without thinking), thinks we didn't use to do. The more we hear advise against something, we more we do.
  
  • Untidy
    
  • No self control (diet, computer, TV, shopping)
    
  • Dishonesty, laziness, bitterness, complaint, pettiness, critical, uncooperative, teasing，abusive
    
  
  
  
• Sinful habits
  
  • Stealing, pornography, wanton, gambling, drunkenness, drug abuse, lying, exaggeration, promiscuity
    
  
  
  

The world today is full of temptations. Men prefer women with children because they don't have to bear responsibility. Women don't mind married men because they think if they won their hearts it's because the wives are not good enough. Conflict can happen because we are careless and allowed sin to enter our lives.

The law in the Bible stated that if one steals a cow, one needs to return five. Zacchaeus understood this clearly when he promised to give half his properties to the poor and return four times what he cheated. If one hurts the spouse by being unfaithful, it is not enough to stop the affair. One needs to put in extra effort to make amends. The Bible teaches us to be trusting. But we cannot forgive someone too soon before they are truly repentant.

The Immaturity of One Party

• Incompatible personalities
  
• Past hurt or came from a broken family
  

It can make the person critical and pick on any small things. A person who witnessed the parents quarreled often may not take it when the spouse speak loudly. A spouse could be very jealous.

No One is at Fault

• Just feeling not happy or not satisfying
  
• Different preferences (e.g. AV equipments vs. travelling)
  
• Life issues – finance, children, between mother and wife (don't force a man to choose between the mother and the wife.), friends
  
• Personal desire and conflict of interests as a whole (e.g., taking a high payment job overseas when the children are young. Pastor Chen counseled such a couple. She asked the young son to draw a picture of the family he wanted. He drew a picture of father and mother together with him. The couple held each other in tears.)
  

Husbands like to think of big things like career or business. Wives focus on family matters. A retired husband is tough because he can only look after family issues which the wife is taking care of. We think young children stick to us too much but when they are older they don't want to be with us. A young wife wants the husband back home everyday – early. An old wife hopes the husband go out everyday.

There are arguments but we don't let them become serious.

A husband should not be stingy to the wife. She is the one who cries with him and share the burden with him. Even though the husband is the breadwinner, both of them should decide together the finance in the family. Don't be too generous too. Bill Gates said he will leave just enough for his children. If you have extra money, go for honeymoon. Let the children earn to buy their own house and cars.

Factors contributing to your Conflict Management

• Value / belief
  
• Attitude
  

Men approaching middle age more experienced and stable. They are not too ambitious and they just want to find what they lost in their youths (e.g. firm tummy.)

Middle aged women on the other hand are more decisive, offensive and hegemonic. This is especially so when they work in the same company.

Needs of middle aged man	Needs of a middle aged woman
Need appreciation and acknowledgement	Need to feel loved and cared (when she is younger, the children are around. If a husband doesn't care enough of the wife, she may hold on too much to the children which may cause other problems.)
Need support and understanding of family	Need to communicate
One more chance (it's the last chance!)	Need a stable finance
Leisure and entertainment	Need the spouse to be committed to the family
Need to confirm his appeal and ability	Need freedom and space (felt trapped for too long)

Your Expectations

Expectations not expressed will sow the seeds of conflicts. Not paying attention is usually a cause of conflict.

Financial Issues

Conflict Management Skill

1. Resolved internal issues
   
   1. Find out the emotional source (Cannot let go? Feel like arguing? Anxious? Opposing views? Disappointed? Why?
      
   2. Bear responsibility – truly repentant (Exo 22:1, Luke 19:8)
      
   3. Face hurt and forgive (Gal 6:1-2)
      
   
   
   
2. Focus on what you want
   
   1. Reject the fallacy of "not A then must be B", e.g. if she doesn't accept, then divorce.
      
   2. Submit to God, restore neutrality. Be objective.
      
   
   
   
3. Be Constructive
   
   1. Give each other time to be calm – decide the attitude and requests
      
   2. Arrange a suitable time and place
      
      1. decide to forgive
         
      2. respect one another
         
      3. state the stand clearly
         
      4. share own story
         
      
      
      
   3. Find out the cause of the problem
      
      1. What did both do?
         
      2. Handling of issues
         
      3. Get a common understanding and set common goals
         
      
      
      
   4. Examined solutions that did not work
      
   5. Explore new plans and strategies
      
      1. Brainstorm, discuss and evaluate possibilities
         
      2. Take it to the Lord in prayer
         
      
      
4. Forgive one another, make peace sincerely
   
   1. Find a commonly agreed method
      
   2. Decide how to work together
      
   3. Set dates to discuss progress
      
   4. Encourage one another with small gifts or a meal

A man who looks for a 3^rd person (i.e. starts an affair) before resolving issues with the wife is actually hurting 2 persons. (No, this is not to say it's ok to start an affair when you have no problem with your wife.)

A happy marriage is not one without conflict but one with the ability to resolve conflict.

"The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together." Robert C. Dodds